Offstumped – Commentary on Indian Politics

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Politics and Public Policy in India

Blue Turbanitis

Blue Turbanitis – is an affliction of the mind that is usually accompanied by selective amnesia, indecision and the construction of an alternate reality.

Symptoms

  • Suffers uncontrollable urges to pass the buck
  • Demonstrates an Inability to control decisions by others
  • Compulsively analyzes to rationalize mistakes
  • When confronted lapses into fits of paranoia over some guy in Gujarat

Tests

  • Responsibility dip stick test – Select a random issue, probe the subject’s willingness to take responsibility, measure the time till subject expresses an uncontrollable urge to pass the buck. Also measure degree of impairment of subject’s ability to control decisions by others.
  • Leadership Litmus test – Select a random issue, confront the subject’s past conduct on the issue. Quarantine the subject in an intellectually sterile environment. Monitor the subject’s behavior for any obsessive compulsive analysis or rationalization. Introduce non-invasive interventions to the subject’s sterile environment.  Observe the color of paranoia changing to Saffron in a westward direction.

Treatment

  • No known treatments

Prognosis

  • Sphinx like silence usually helps to be in denial.
  • Split Vision (two Indias) can also help defocus the mind

Complications

  • electile dysfunction during early stages
  • acute Executive Delinquency as the condition worsens

Prevention

  • Area of active Stem Cell Research to genetically boost political competence of the NG (Nehru-Gandhi) chromosome

Filed under: betrayal of aam admi, Fiction, UPA-II Critical Appraisal

Offstumped Book Project Poll

If you havent already checked out the Offstumped Book Project, please do so.

The Offstumped Book project is a Social Media Experiment in Fiction Writing. This poll is to help shape the direction this project takes based on reader feedback.

Filed under: Fiction, surveys

33% Reservation for Anti-Matter Hypernuclei

Reaffirming his commitment to the social, economic and political empowerment of Anti-Matter, with whatever effort and resources the task might take, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Saturday said the government was moving towards providing one-third reservation for Anti-Matter Hypernuclei in the Lok Sabha and State legislatures.

The Prime Minister’s remarks come as fresh evidence emerged that half the universe vanished after its creation in the Big Bang some 13.7 billion years ago.

“Understanding precisely how and why there is a predominance of matter over antimatter remains a major unsolved problem of physics,” said BJP Leader and Leader of the Opposition Sushma Swaraj.

BJP sources said Sushma had “resolved” to come out of her mentor L.K. Advani’s shadow and make a mark as leader of the Opposition in the Lok Sabha.

But I believe her big moment is yet to come and the Anti-Matter Reservation bill might just be it. She will try and push for it in a big way” said a BJP Leader.

Not one to be outdone by the BJP, the Congress is digging its heels as well on the issue. Seeking to undo cosmic discrimination, the Congress claimed that Matter and antimatter emerged with equal abundance in Congress ruled states. In contrast, antimatter appears to be largely absent in the present-day BJP ruled states.

“While we have shown improvement in these indicators over the years, the progress has been much slower than what we would have liked,” said Dr. Manmohan Singh, to remark on BJP ruled states that “The new discovery may help us understand the predominance of matter over antimatter”

Meanwhile “Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Mayawati has written a letter to Prime Minister pointing out that the BSP was not against reservation for Anti-Matter as long as there is a sub-quota for Hypernuclei.

Ms. Mayawati lamented in her letter that “While antiparticles — somewhat like mirror images of ordinary particles — have been observed for decades and the first hypernucleus was observed in 1952, an antimatter hypernucleus had never been observed”.

This is gross discrimination Mayawati’s aide and BSP MP Satishchandra Mishra alleged saying “Of all anti-Matter particles, Hypernuclei were most socio-economically backward and they were lagging far behind in the field of quark-gluon plasma”.

Slamming the measure as a “dangerous” one, Samajwadi Party supremo Mulayam Singh Yadav alleged in Lucknow that it was a conspiracy to prevent antiproton, an antineutron, and another particle called an antilambda from entering Parliament and state Assemblies.

Attacking Congress and BJP, he accused them of always being anti-antiProton, anti-antiNuetron and anti-antiLambda. “Therefore, they want to amend the Constitution,” he said.

Giving the government’s view, Moily said, “After all, the Universe needs such a legislation…With all our best of intentions, the political parties could not evolve a system where adequate representation was made available to anti-matter.”

The opponents to the measure now number less than 26 in the House, with an effective strength of 233, as the JD(U) remains sharply divided following Bihar Chief Minister Nitish Kumar’s support to it. A Constitution amendment needs a two-thirds majority in voting requiring the support of 155 in the House. The bill has clear backing of at least 165 MPs now.

 “A solution will require measurements of subtle deviations from perfect symmetry between matter and antimatter,” Dr. Manmohan Singh said, while inaugurating the Anti-Matter Leadership Summit as Scientists from 13 countries, including physicists from Calcutta’s Variable Energy Cyclotron Centre (VECC) and five other Indian institutions directed beams of gold nuclei accelerated to speeds close to that of light to collide, producing billions of short-lived subatomic particles.

Filed under: DesiPundit, Fiction, satire

Messiahgiri – A sequel to the Tale of two Tortoises

For those who missed the original tale of two tortoises, you can find it here.

The Tortoise told the Hare you could be a good Tortoise you know, that was a hell of race you ran. The Hare grudgingly replies none can much your eloquence and you didnt even have to run.

The Tortoise looked on at the Giant Screen and then at the ocean of humanity in awe of himself on the Giant Screen and told himself

“the time has come to talk of many things and to walk on water”

But then turtles can walk on water murmured his inner voice only to be snubbed with a stern admonishment.

His time had come and the Tortoise’s handlers insisted it was “progressive” to address him as the Messiah.

The Messiah’s reign on earth was without parallel in history for its history was written even before it actually started.

Booker Prizes were already planned for the books he would write at the end of his reign.

Lifetime Achievment Awards were readied at the Academy for documentaries he would commission on Global causes his reign woldnt have the time to get to.

The NBA and the NFL commissioned portraits for the Hall of Fame for games he would not play and title seasons he would not win.

The Nobel Committee too met in Norway to give him the Peace Prize for conflicts he would talk about resolving.

But then the Messiah was not one to be overwhelmed by the burden of History yet to be lived.

Undeterred he called upon the people of the world that his Life yet to be lived was a Global call to Action for all those progressive values that ensured his ascesion from a mere Tortoise to a Messiah.

The messiah called upon the people of the world that it was time every childhood tale was stripped of morals that were discriminatory and were not inclusive enough.

The messiah exhorted the people of the world to discard all those stories with a moral for they were an affront to the historic struggles of disadvantaged Tortoises.

The messiah called upon the world to embrace a new era where “liberally” conscionable means shall ensure every Story has a “Progressive” end.

The messiah then looked over his shoulder at all those nominees the Nobel Peace Committee had passed over and said

“it is not about winning, it is about participation”

Feel proud he encouraged them for their supreme sacrifice in disadvantaging themselves in this competition so there was positive discrimination in favor of the Messiah.

He then turned his gaze upon the Nobel Peace Committee members to say that this was also a victory for them the observers in at last having a stake in the race, a true triumph for “Inclusive Progressivism”.

From now on declared the Messiah no race shall be run without the observers not having a stake in ensuring “Progressive outcomes”, its not about who won the race anymore its about making sure the refrees of the race have a clean conscience that the most “progressive outcome” was ensured.

Finally the Messiah ended his speech telling the people that they must not despair, they must look to the future with optimism for he the Messiah had pre-destined their futures for them with Progressive outcomes that will be non-discriminatory, inclusive, not competitive, respectful and morally conscionable.

The Messiah ended his speech with a closing note that

“with the audacity of hope the Tortoise can always win and the outcome of every race can be changed to what you believe in”

Postscript: Inspired by this epochal Messiahgiri, in far away India the scion of the ruling dynasty expressed an audacious hope “main banoonga messiah” and traded his cousins for progressive Kenyan Hut dwellers

Filed under: DesiPundit, Fiction, Progressivism

RSS Now Playing on Offstumped Live

  • On Third Front day dreams and Uttar Pradesh nightmares – Wrap up Podcast March 14, 2012
    A podcast conversation with  @dubash (http://phalaka.com) where we wrap up the Uttar Pradesh polls discussion with a look at the final numbers and analysis of vote shares. We also look ahead on all the buzz around Akhilesh Yadav, the rise of the Samajwadi Party and all of the day-dreaming over a possible Third Front Government [...]
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Opinions expressed on this site using the alias Offstumped are the blogger's personal opinions and do not in any way reflect the views of the blogger's Employers.