Offstumped – Commentary on Indian Politics

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Politics and Public Policy in India

Imagining the Congress’ Uttar Pradesh nightmare thanks to Election Commission

Pink Elephants on Parade from the movie Dumbo ……

Also read Kanchan Gupta in The Pioneer taking potshots at the Election Commission’s decision to shroud Mayawati’s Dalit Pride in Pink much to the anxiety of the Rahul Gandhi lead Congress.

Filed under: Advani Yatra against Corruption, Anna Hazare, उत्तर प्रदेश २०१२, Baba Ramdev, betrayal of aam admi, Offstumped, satire, Two Indias, UPA-II Critical Appraisal, Uttar Pradesh Polls 2012

…. there is no nausea in Indonesia ….

let me narrate a tale of matters related -pepsia
a tale that comes to you not from micronesia or polynesia
a tale in which there is some Arabia but in sea only but no Persia
its the story of how there is no nausea in Indonesia

he may be the irresistible Pathan of South Asia
he may be the great new hope courtesy Tehreek-e-Insaafia
but when it comes to matters east to the Sea of Arabia
this lilly livered Khan suffered intense Nausea

but why blame Imran’s delicate palate-a
it is but a victim of some Left-over-Liberal masala-e-mafia
unsuccessful it was in the quest for some Green expectorant-ia
wait there may be a saffron antacid for that extreme nausea

On Garuda they got their dose of Wingardium Leviosa
with bahasa for bhasha they turned their backs on Persia
they may believe yet in sharia
but still they suffer deep sanskrit mania

 

they may yet see brothers in far off Croatia
but when it comes to matters of business with Saurashtriya
they have no compunction shaking hand with that man from Maninagariya
for the Sunni, Shia or Ahmeddia of Indonesia suffer no nausea

Have a good weekend folks ……

Filed under: Narendra Modi, Offstumped, Poetry, satire

10 bold predictions on the UPA Cabinet reshuffle

all of which could be absolutely wrong.

#1 – The clean shaven shall outnumber the bearded and the uncouth.

#2 – Three factions shall go to war in Andhra. One shall win.

#3 – A farmhouse from Greater Noida shall make it to the Cabinet.

#4 – Bhatta or Parsaul might make Minister of State but not both.

#5 – Two leaves will sprout if the Sun sets.

#6 – There will be a swap of berths between Bihar and Tihar

#7 – A Zombie shall be replaced by another Zombie but with a taste for fine clothes

#8 – SC/ST Quota will be scrapped. Instead a new SC/SIT quota will be created.

#9 –  All Ministers will be Tihar ready – biometric scan and Aaadhar Card mugshots.

#10 – There will be at least one wildcard. One that may have been recently vaccinated against MSM.

Have a good weekend.

Filed under: satire, UPA-II Critical Appraisal

A Requiem for Common Sense

Some place remote deep inside Dandakaranya where “copy-paste” is considered neither a high crime nor a misdemeanour.

A wintry night, as a father and son huddle around a poorly lit fire. Its hard to tell what was being roasted. “Copy paste” Clipboard says sweet potatoes.

The listless night shifts uneasily every so often, as the cries of a daughter-in-law in labor shatter its silence.

“Who were They mourning”, the son asks

“Common Sense” replies the father

“What happened to him”

“They said he went missing”

“Missing… was he a child”

“No”

“Did he elope with someone”

“Wish he did, atleast the khap would have tracked him down”

The pains were picking pace, occuring more frequently.

“How much do these sweet potatoes cost”

“Who cares, I didn’t pay for them”

“Who did ?”

“Common sense”

“But I thought he was dead”

“Yes, he paid for them with his death”

“So tell me more about this common sense, fellow – was he your friend”

“Much closer, we were conjoined”

“Uggghh” chokes on a sweet potato and coughs

“But we separated, I got him removed”

“Why”

“He had become a burden”

“How come “

“He got in the way of everything, he thought he was cleverer than Them”

“In what way”

“When They said stay home he wanted to leave in search of better opportunities”

“When They said settle for the common minimum, he said he wanted to aspire for more”

“When They said we will give it to you for free, refused, said he wanted to have the choice of buying what he wants”

“That sounds like common sense”

“Exactly my point, it was unbearable, the shame, everyone thought we were different. The burden of queerness , I had to get rid of him”

“What did he do then, where did he go”

“They said they would rehabilitate him, at their expense. But the fool refused. Can you believe what he told them – give me the cash, I will rehabilitate myself”

“Why”

“Pride – said something about choice, industry and enterprise. He was getting incoherent, we could barely understand him anymore”

“What was that about industry and enterprise”

“Shhh, forbidden words, They may hear you”

“What happened next”

“They said he had a Right to education  - he disagreed violently on that too. He said something about a duty to be educated. He also wanted to choose his school and teachers”

“How could he”

“They did everything they could. They humored him with even the Right to Information. But it was never enough for him. Ingrateful sod. Nothing They did ever pleased him.”

“The fire is thinning father, I shall get some more wood”

The contractions were getting much closer and the pain much sharper, as an apathetic fire continued to make indifferent warmth.

“And then he went missing before showing up dead ? “

“Yep, and then he died but not before he mocked in Them in his death too”

“How”

“by planting a story, claiming They bumped him off in a fake encounter”

“How did he managed to do that”

“They suspect inside help”

“How did he really die”

“Flu”

“Swine flu ?”

“No, Asinine flu, the Coroner said he had been infected by the Anti-Intellectualism virus

“This morning a note arrived from him with instructions to be delivered upon his death”

“What did it say”

“It read – Go figure why its better to earn and spend 5 more Rupees on something expensive than to not have earned and never seen those 5 Rupees

The contractions had stopped, as the cries of a newborn break into dawn.

“Whats with the 5 Rupees”

“Maybe he might figure, what do you want to name him ? “

“Common Sense perhaps… ”

Filed under: betrayal of aam admi, economic freedom, Left Liberalism, Progressivism, satire

RSS Now Playing on Offstumped Live

  • On Third Front day dreams and Uttar Pradesh nightmares – Wrap up Podcast March 14, 2012
    A podcast conversation with  @dubash (http://phalaka.com) where we wrap up the Uttar Pradesh polls discussion with a look at the final numbers and analysis of vote shares. We also look ahead on all the buzz around Akhilesh Yadav, the rise of the Samajwadi Party and all of the day-dreaming over a possible Third Front Government [...]
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